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LiveJournal for Laura.
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| Monday, January 5th, 2009 |
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Well, I put off updating cause I was afraid in doing so that I'd become all mopey again, but I got woken up early today for no reason so I figured what the hell, it's early enough in the day to do this and not have to worry about going to bed all emo. Gotta do the traditional emo once-a-year update, eh? In actuality I haven't been all too emo surprisingly, just every now and then it hits me like a huge brick. BAM UR DEAD. "Wait... wut?" K, enough leaving some of you wondering (those who don't know anyways). My dad passed away in August this past year. Yeah, I lost both my parents in the same year. If someone had came up to me a year before my mom died and said "hay, your parents will be gone from your life totally in less than a year" I'd have thought they were insane. I also would have thought I'd never be able to manage if they weren't actually insane. Yet, somehow, here I am. He had been trying his best to combat the cancer, doing all the chemo and radiation and shit. I tried my best to help him when I could, even though at the time I was still kind of emotionally distraught over my mom. I had to come stay with him for large periods of time, other times he had to stay in a nursing home for about a week or so, because he kept getting dehydrated, malnourished, and so weak he could barely move. He didn't honestly take care of himself the best either, was bad about taking all the meds he had to, etc. With me unable to stay up here fulltime, we really didn't have a choice. He came out of the nursing home better at first, but would eventually get back down again. The actual tumor on his tongue went down in size thanks to everything they were blasting him with, but he still felt like shit, and he really didn't understand why. His oncologist didn't think he was a good candidate for surgery with his age and heart troubles/diabetes (he had a heart attack when he was younger, and triple bypass surgery and a heart valve replacement when I was like 17), so there really wasn't much he could do for him. It was obvious the cancer hadn't left completely, even though the tumor was much smaller. He was in pain all the time, his entire mouth, head, and neck area, and for some lame reason, his oncologist wouldn't give him very strong pain meds. He wasn't able to drive anymore, and he had it set up so this nice man from the American Cancer Society drove him to his appointments, free of charge. Thank god for a few nice people in the world, eh? Well, in the early part of July, I get a phone call. I don't know why the memory of this day sticks so solidly in my head, but it does. It was my dad's neighbor, Brandy, in a panic. The previous day, she and her family had been away for the weekend, came home, and noticed my dad's porch light on in the middle of the day. She thought that was strange cause she knew how anal my dad was about not wasting electricity. That night, she realized the porch light was still on, and even though it was totally dark outside, he still had window blinds open. She knew that was strange, cause again, it just isn't like him. So she became worried, and tried calling him. No answer. Tried knocking on the door, no answer. She noticed that he had his TV on through the blinds, though, but that's all she could see. She didn't know what else to do, so she called me. I told her to call 911, and she did. The police found him unconscious laying on the couch. His mobile home was stiffling hot, like, he didn't have any windows open, the AC wasn't on at all, and the place was a huge mess. They took him to the ER, and Brandy calls me back with "I don't think he'll make it through the night, he isn't responsive at all, and his blood sugar's through the roof, you come up here NOW." So I did. He managed to pull through that episode somehow, the doctors just said he had a bad cause of pnuemona, which caused his sugar to go sky high, which eventually caused him to go into a diabetic coma of sorts. His body was so weak, every little germ he got turned into some infection. He was in intensive care for about 4 days, then they released him from the hospital about a week later. It was then that I started realizing that he just wasn't... himself. His personality was the same, but he had a hard time remembering things, like, he kept forgetting who came to visit him, and what doctors had told him. He told Brandy a story about driving to Burbank the day prior, when he had been in the hospital for a week already. He could remember the small, silly things, though. Like he bugged both of us about his mail, making sure we got it, and his house keys, making sure someone had them safe, and his swamp cooler, which apparently was broken. Yet he couldn't remember when we went to see him, or what day or was even. They released him into a nursing home because they said he wasn't good enough to go home, yet was doing too well for the hospital. He stayed there for about a week, then I get another phone call, this time from his medical case manager. "You need to come up here today and live with him, take care of him, for at least a month. He can't stay here anymore due to his insurance." Oh I was fit to be tied. They give me NO notice, and expect me to just ship my life hours away in a day's notice? And at least a month? A month's a friggin long time to just give up everything and move that quickly. Come on, I was in the middle of dealing with all the aftermath of my mom's passing still, plus I had Richard needing me still for shit. My financial situation was shitty as all hell, and that's putting it lightly. I tried my best to fight her, cause honestly she was a bitch. Even after explaining my situation, she didn't give a shit. The only other alternative she offered was having a nurse go home with him, which would cost him an arm and a leg, and I knew that he wouldn't allow that, no matter how confused he was. After a day full of phone calls and getting my brother -in-law involved, I finally talked her into giving me 2 days to pack and try and settle some of my affairs before coming up. So 2 days later I find myself at the nursing home to pick him up. My brother-in-law was with me (yeah, still no word from my sisters at this point... the brother-in-law and sister were seperated at the time ((they never got divorced btw, I had been wrong about that)), but I told him to tell her, she didn't even seem to care). We go in to get him dressed, and it's obvious he's still very confused. He has no idea why we're there, and doesn't even seem very anxious to leave, which totally threw me for a loop (he had been whining to go home all the while in the hospital). The nurse gives me a huge box of medications and shit I need to give him, treating me like I know what the hell I'm doing with half of it, and sends us on our way. We get home, and my brother-in-law has to leave, leaving me alone with my dad, his confused state, and 9237292 medications. Lemme tell you, from that time until the time he died... well, I don't think I've ever been that frustrated in my life before that, I'll put it that way. And it wasn't just normal frustration, it was a stupid mix of frustrated, anxious, worried, lonely, pissed off, and grieving. I'm an extremely patient person, but I lost my patience so damn many times, I hate to even think back on it now. My dad planted himself on the couch, and barely moved from it except to go to the bathroom. He even slept there at night. Never changed clothes unless I or a nurse did it for him. Never budged a finger except to fiddle with the TV remote. It's not that he didn't want to, or was lazy. He just couldn't. He was that weak. He kept trying to talk to me, but either he'd start and not be able to finish, or I couldn't understand him. He couldn't think straight for nothing. He'd try and argue with me about how I was supposed to feed him, and that got me really frustrated. In the end he ended up letting me do it my way, but still complained. A visiting nurse had to show me how to give him some of the meds. He had a bunch of pills that had to be ground up and put through his G tube, liquids for his mouth, insulin (I already knew how to do that one thankfully). My morning "breakfast" ritual with him took at least an hour, just to feed him and give him his meds. The stupid ensure crap I had to feed him took years, then with him aruging with me... ugh. The visiting nurse came twice a week, the rest of the time I was left on my own. Brandy came over and helped me try and get him motivated to get up and start doing things, but he just wouldn't budge. We kept hoping that since I was feeding him correctly, medicating him correctly, and he was getting plenty of rest, that he'd start to get stronger. But he never did. He just got weaker and weaker. I could tell that the whole thing was upsetting him, the way he'd struggle to try and talk, or try and go to the bathroom by himself. He came into my room once while I was resting, and plopped down on a chair, almost falling over in the process, and started to tell me something. I tried my best to understand, he was so hard to understand at that point. I was lucky to get a word or 2 in a whole 5 minutes of talking. He said something about grass, and I was like, what the hell. Then I realized he was nagging me to water his grass. He nagged me to pay his bills too, so I took care of that. Him and I got into an arugment about how my writing was on his check. He couldn't read what I wrote and I got so upset because he was so anal about something as silly as that, when his health was in such terrible shape. It's shit like that that makes me realize he was still himself all through it all, he was just... getting weaker and weaker. He didn't have the "I'm dying" talk like you hear about in books, you know the one where the old guy says profound advice, and gives away his last assets. His was just "water my lawn", and "lrn2write". I took him to his oncologist and his MD. Both gave me no help whatsoever. The oncologist gave me more crap to put in his mouth, and said that he didn't understand why he was in so much pain. I knew the pain must have been terrible, cause everytime it hit him he'd hold his head and groan. Yet the doctor couldn't understand it. I finally got him to prescribe some morphine. When they sent him home from the nursing home they just gave him vicoden, which uh yeah, that's not gonna do shit at the levels of pain he was going through. His MD fiddled with his insulin levels, that's it. Neither doctor seemed to think he was dying, neither doctor seemed to think I needed help taking care of him. I dunno if it seemed like I knew what the hell I was doing, cause I sure as hell didn't feel like I did. The weeks went on, and his condition just kept getting worse. I had to fight with his insurance to let the nurse keep coming over, they wanted to stop that too. They sent some stupid guy that was supposed to be a physical therapist, and he kept trying to my dad to do these stupid exercises on his feet that my dad was clearly too weak to do. My dad ended up screaming at him and he left and never came back. He eventually got to the point where he couldn't even walk to the bathroom himself. He fell 3 times in the bathroom, and him and I struggled to get him up everytime he fell. I got mad at him because he just wasn't helping me much. I know I shouldn't have, but damn, it was just frustrating. I bought him Depends, and he wore them, but he was stubborn about actually going in them, and instead he started calling me whenever he needed to use the bathroom, so I could walk him there. That got annoying fast, especially in the middle of the night or in the early mornin. >_> He started developing a cough, and his blood sugar levels were way higher than they had been before. The visiting nurse found dried blood in his mouth. With the falling I was worried, so we went to see his doctor. On the morning we went, I couldn't get him off the couch for nothing, he just had no energy whatsoever. Finally I did, and when we got there the doctor said his mouth and throat were infected, that he should be hospitalized. So in he went again. My aunt and uncle finally drove down to see him while he was in the hospital. They took one look at him and knew things weren't right. He wouldn't even wake up for more than a minute while they were there, his eyes keps closing and he'd go back to snoring. The nurses there acted like it was nothing, so we demanded to see his doctor. The doctor said it was a side effect of his blood sugar being so high, and that it would be fine in a day, and they'd send him home then. My aunt kept insisting that he needed to stay in the hospital. I agreed with her totally. I was losing my patience so fast in taking care of him when he was so bad off. I couldn't do it anymore, not with him falling, waking me up at all hours of the night, getting sick so quickly and randomly. I couldn't do it anymore. My aunt started telling me about hospice care, and it was a lot to swallow, but I took her advice to heart. By this time it was pretty obvious to me he was indeed dying. 2 days later, they sent him home, on a hospital gurny, in an ambulence. Apparently he had woken up enough to tell the doctor "I want to go home" (although I don't know HOW she understood him, I sure as hell couldn't), and when she found out that I was his caretaker, oh boy, yeah, let's save a buck here and send his ass home to her daughter. I was fucking appalled that they sent him home like that. He was totally bedridden, barely stayed awake as they wheeled him into the house, as I talked to him. They rolled him onto his bed and quickly explained to me how to change his cathador, then left. I realize now that I probably could have made them take him back, but honestly I was just kind of.. shocked. Brandy and her husband came over after I bitched to her over the phone, and they were just about as appalled as I was. He was in no condition to be sent home to a family member who had no medical training. He was barely speaking at all, kept drifting in and out of sleep, and his breathing was quite labored, and they didn't even send him home with oxygen. They did send this stupid suction machine I was supposed to use for his mouth, cause yeah, I totally know how to deal with medical equipment like that. We had just decided to make a few phone calls when we heard my dad coughing from the other room. Really loud, violent coughs. So we went to check up on him, and his mouth was dripping blood. I called 911. We were in the ER for 17 hours, I kid you not. We went in at around 5pm, and I didn't get to go back to his place til 10 the next morning. I was fucking tired, not to mention pissed off at the whole situation. They didn't even do much for him in the ER, they gave him antibotics (gee, apparently his infection wasn't even gone when they sent him home, what a surprise) and kept coming in to suction blood from his mouth, cause everytime he coughed he'd cough some up. They figured it was blood from his mouth or throat, not his lungs, so they didn't seem too worried, which pissed me off even more. I was there alone, cause Brandy and her husband couldn't come to the hospital with us (they have 3 young kids). I ended up getting lost on the streets after midnight trying to find a fucking fast food joint that was still open, cause I was starving, and the hospital had no cafeteria. It was fun! My dad had to have a blood transfusion, and his body kind of rejected the blood, which made him even more sick. I wasn't there at the time, so I dunno what happened there exactly, but it wasn't very good, whatever it was, so it's probably good I missed out on that. >_> So right before I was able to leave finally and they were gonna admit him, the doctor finally sat down with me to get a complete history and shit. I was honest with him, told him that I couldn't handle taking care of him anymore, that his condition was showing signs of NO improvement at all for more than a month, and I just didn't know what to do anymore. He got a hold of the oncologist, and he told him that there's nothing they can do for him, that the cancer had started spreading to his brain and his lymph nodes. I was appalled, cause the oncologist didn't bother telling ME that when we were there. I mentioned hospice, and both doctors agreed it was the best way to go. There was nothing more to do. The next day I got a visit from the hospice chaplan. He set everything up with me, and was... you know, actually... really.... nice, and helpful, answering my questions, making sure I was comfortabe with what he was talking about. Unlike ANY of the other medical staff I dealt with over that ENTIRE month. Someone came to deliver an oxygen compressor, a hospital bed, and a box of medications/pain relievers. That afternoon they delivered my dad home, and a hospice nurse came with him. He made sure he was comfortable, gave him plenty of pain relievers, fed him, and told me to get some rest. My dad tried talking to Brandy and I that night, and although we couldn't understand him at all (his voice was so weak at that point), we assured him that everything was going to be okay, that he was going to be taken care of, and that he could rest. There was always a hospice nurse at my dad's bedside from that moment on, until he died. 24/7. They worked in 8 hours shifts, when one would leave, another would come. And they were, honestly, a godsend to me. They were all really caring, kind, wonderful people. They talked to my dad, they talked to me. Some couldn't administer medication, so they had to show me exactly what to do and how often, and I didn't mind, cause they showed me how to go about it. They let me get my rest. They bathed him, cleaned him up, checked his vitals, did everything. Most importantly, they let me know how we was doing. I was told from the very beginning after assessing him, "he'll probably go in a week or less", and every day a head nurse would visit him and update me. During the 2nd day of hospice my dad stopped opening his eyes. He had fallen asleep the night before, and just stayed asleep. It wasn't medication driven either, because he actually wasn't on very strong pain meds. The nurse said that he was probably in a coma, most likely caused from his sugar levels again. At that point we stopped all medication except pain relief, and stopped feeding him. We just kept him comfortable. The nurse reassured me that it was actually a very good way to go, because he is in peace, finally, not struggling. He stayed that way for 3 more days. My brother-in-law finally spoke some sense into my sisters, and they came to see him the last day he was alive. He was still in the coma, never opened his eyes, but they got to speak to him, and say their goodbyes. My niece and nephew were there too. It honestly seemed like he could hear what we were saying, cause there were times when his eyebrows would twitch, usually at times when one of us would make a light joke or something. And he was totally at peace, it seemed. He wasn't on any pain meds that day, either. We played some of his favorite music for him, I think he liked that. The nurse read some bible hymns to him, and although he was never religious nor am I, I think he found it comforting. After my sisters left, Brandy came over. It was about midnight. Her and I talked at my dad's bedside, talking about my sisters and talking to my dad. I felt kind of uncomfortable talking to him directly with him in a coma, so she helped me talk to him. I told him that it was okay if he let go, that he could go see my mom, and keep her company, and see his dad and his mom. Two hours later, I was finally getting ready for bed, and the nurse came and knocked on my door. I came out, and she told me that he was gone. It's like... he had seen everyone he wanted to see, he was happy about that, and we had left, and then he knew... it was time. I don't think he wanted us to see him as he was letting go, which is why he waited til I had left even. It seems like him somehow, to keep his pride until that last moment, and not want others to see him like that. May sound kind of silly, but it makes sense to me. Anyways, didn't really mean to go into details like that, sorry, haha. I'll try and keep the rest short. We had his service about a week later, it was nice. I did another lame poem. Even after he died, hospice continued to visit me to make sure I was doing okay. They really were a wonderful service. Totally free too. After the shit the doctors gave me it was just so nice to have people there for me who cared. I couldn't have asked for a better way to see my father go, honestly. Far, far better than dying in the hospital. I'm thankful my sisters got to see him too. During all that , my sisters and I made amends. We talked about everything that had caused things to go so badly between them and our dad. Turns out it was just something really stupid. Him and my older sister, Debbie, had gotten into an argument at a barbeque she held for the family (I musta been in Davis then, cause I know I wasn't there). She had been working her butt off all day, cooking, cleaning, shopping etc., so she sees my dad sitting there with my brother-in-law, the two of them bullshitting and drinking beer as usual, so she asks my dad if he would like to cook the chicken. My dad's barbeque chicken was the *best*, everyone knew that, so she expected him to say sure. Well he didn't. He said he'd rather enjoy his beer. Well, Debbie, after working her butt off all day, was kind of annoyed. So they got into an arugment, and eventually it progressed to the point where she yelled "I'm tired of having to fucking do everything for you when we get together!" and him saying "I'll never come over anymore then!" My other sister, Dede, took her side of course. And yeah... that's all she wrote... THAT'S the reason why none of us spoke for like, 6 years. >.> I never knew the whole story. My dad left out everything except "it was at a barbeque", and "Deborah went bitchmode on me". xD I gotta say I don't blame Debbie at all for bitching him out. He coulda helped her out, and heck, he used to like barbequeing, and he was good at it, so it's not out of line to ask him even... Crazy. Debbie felt a lot of guilt about not speaking with him for all those years, Dede did too I know, although she hasn't talked to me as much about it as Debbie has. Debbie only lives about 20 mins away from my dad's house, so she's been helping me through everything, and we've gotten pretty close. I'm quite thankful for that. I always liked her, it just always seemed like the age difference sucked (she's 40-some), but now that I'm older it's not quite as bad. She helped me deal with the funeral, all the shit about his house (he didn't have my name on the mobile home, so we had an ordeal to get it in my name... it's STILL not finalized), and is slowly helping me sell my mom's house (the market's so bad right now we're kinda taking our time, letting Jim/Richard pay rent). I've decided to stay in my dad's place. It's newer, only 7 years old, is as freaking big as a house, bigger than my mom's house (3 bedrooms, the master is huge, and a fireplace), nicer in some ways (sunk-in tub anyone?). Plus, I dunno, it's a fresh start for me. I felt like I needed one. I knew I did a year ago, but wasn't sure how to go about it. I handled my dad's death way better than my mom's, maybe just because I was able to prepare for it kinda. One never is totally able to prepare, but you know what I mean. I at least saw it coming. My mom's was just such a shock. And after all the frustration I felt dealing with everything with my dad, his crappy insurance, his crappy doctors... in a way it was kind of a relief, although that always sounds bad when you word it like that. Again, you know what I mean. I loved him dearly, as much of a pain in the ass he was, but at least he's not in pain anymore. Things are slowly piecing themselves together, bit by bit. I still have a lot to do, but I'll get there one step at a time. Maybe next year I'll have something good to write about, eh? |
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| Friday, December 23rd, 2005 |
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 ...I dunno... I saw one somewhere, so I was nosy, found one, wanted to stick it somewhere, then realized that I'm not active on any forums to use it in a sig... soooo yeah. Congrats, LJ, you get an egg! |
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| Sunday, December 4th, 2005 |
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Well... been a while since I've updated, so now's about as good time as ever to do so. >.> Oklahoma was fun, a nice change which I needed. It felt really great just hanging out with people I felt comfortable with for the most part. It's really too bad I can't see them more than once a year... I'd probably be so much happier if I could. But yeah... the wedding was gorgeous, a medivel ceremy, which was interesting and also fun. We were teasing them the entire time about what they'll be doing on their honeymoon, and well, needless to say, I'm sure they had a good time. ;) Jeremy (the groom) ended up in the hospital with a kidney stone like 5 days before the wedding, but he passed it and mostly recovered by the wedding. I haven't talked to either of them hardly since I've gotten back (partially due to my crappy hours and their normal hours probably), but I hope they're doing well. I finally broke it off with Micah while I was there, on the night after the wedding (we left the day after). I wanted to wait until after the wedding mostly because I didn't want to hamper the wedding at all, nor the fun we all had. So yeah... it went alright I suppose, Micah wasn't happy of course, but he accepted it and agreed that we both did need some time apart to get our shit together. For the first time ever, him and I shared a couple of dances that night at the wedding reception, which we were happy about. It's a nice last memory to share. He wanted us to remain friends, which so far is working out alright I suppose, except that he's right now majorly obsessed with RO (and not the server everyone else is on, he refused to move, no matter how much I tried to tell him he should >_>) and kinda annoying me about how he's handling his character and leveling his character. He's just... bad when he gets obsessed like that... a lot of people I know are, which is annoying. He's playing all female characters, is roleplaying a female completely, which didn't really piss me off until recently, when I realized that everyone on the server thinks he's some sweet, wonderful, funny woman, which is... NOT true in the least. >_< I mean... playing a female char is one thing, leading everyone to think you're actually female when you're not just... isn't if you ask me. Especially when he uses his char's gender to kiss ass to the GMs, which he does like crazy. I wouldn't be surprised if he ended up a GM just because he's made friends with them all. It makes me feel really dumb when I'm standing there next to him and he's babbling to all his other friends and they keep calling him a girl. He told me specifically to not tell any of them the truth either, although I honestly think I should one of these days, but who knows if they'd beleive me. All those people ignore me too, so go figure... what else is new. >_> All in all it's good I broke up with him, though. It's a relief at least. Luckily things on my other RO server are going better. I really have no complaints there, although juggling the two servers is a pain in the ass, especially when the two are so different. Hmm... what else... I've had an absessed tooth recently, feeling pretty shitty as a result, but I'm getting it taken care of tomorrow finally, so yay, except that I really hate dentists, lol. >.> I need to find a job... after the holidays I'm really going to crack down and find something... I'll end up with somehting I really don't want I know, but it's time to just swallow the pride and fear and just go for it. It's pretty disgraceful that I've put it off this long, honestly, and I need to do something pronto. The holidays will be keeping me pretty busy though with family crap, so after that I'll get something, before that I can keep gathering my options. I hate being so scared of something so mundane that everyone just... does without thinking... but I guess there's just one way to get rid of that fear... join the mundane. :/ Maybe one day I'll get a job that I actually enjoy, but that time isn't upon me right now, that much is clear. |
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| Friday, July 29th, 2005 |
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Well, it's been a bit (again). I'm back at my mom's house now. I didn't get the Viz job (obviously), nor did they ever even contact me, which was kinda annoying... but eh. >_> I guess that's the way it goes sometimes. So now I guess I have to start looking here. I haven't really looked yet... much... but according to my dad I need some time off anyways (yeah... when your own father says you need time off... THAT'S scary >.>), so I guess I'll keep half-looking for a bit, until things settle down a bit around here, and I at least have my bedroom back (I'm sleeping on the couch right now, and my boxes of shit are still in the garage... makes it hard to do much of anything really ;_;). I'm still trying to decide what to do with my emotions too... well, not deciding exactly... I'm mainly stuck on trying to get the courage to drag them out of the garage too (lame metaphor having to do with the above paragraph... don't mind me >.>). Micah and I just... yeeaah... we're not going anywhere. I've lost all hope. He's never going to work to try and change his situation. I'm so sick of how things are currently, but I can't seem to do shit about it, because I do treasure his friendship, even though my romantic feeligns are gone. I guess I'm scared he can't handle being friends after 3 years of being engaged/together, but hell... he keeps saying how much he treasures my friendship... why would he want to give that up? I'm not real sure what'll come after we break up, but meh, at this point I could really care less. I just want to move on with my life. If I'm alone (romantically) for quite some time after this, I really won't mind. I feel more than alone right now anyways. Heather and I aren't getting along the best either, as I was worried about. It's not that we fight or anything, it's just that... well, I guess we've just grown apart. She still seems to live in a high school world, where her whole world revolves around boyfriends, worrying about what to do to seem "normal" and not "geeky", and her looks. And me... well, I'm on the verge of ending a relationship and frankly don't see a need for another one right away, I spend my weekends playing RO and other wonderfully geeky things, and um... yeah, still look like something a lot of peoples' dogs wouldn't even find attractive. ;) I really expected her to change in time, I guess. To grow up. And she hasn't. And now I'm not sure what to do about it. She's really really unstable emotionally right now, due to Boy Problems Issue #297329626 1/2, and she doesn't have any other friends that seem to still... care about her right now, sadly. :/ So I feel like I'm trapped. I can't just leave her in the cold, yet whenever I'm with her I come home feeling really shitty simply because we're so different now and I don't even feel like I can by myself around her (not only is she everything I'm not, she's the outgoing type that hogs entire conversations too ;_;). All I can do is talk to her and try and make her see how I feel, and hope she'll perhaps try and improve her own life and how she acts around me. I've sort of started already, by telling her that things won't be like how they were in high school, and that we can't go back to doing things together every single day (due to my need for sanity o.o;;). I've noticed a slight improvement, but I still get so frustrated when around her. In other news, she seems to think I should try one of those free match.com thingies. I'm considering it, but I dunno. If I do try it, I won't expect anything from it. If something someday comes from it, then awesome. I guess there's no harm in giving myself at least one option in my anti-social life. >.> It's not like I have school to meet people in now, either. Other than that... hm... My family's been alright so far I suppose. It seems that they've at least changed a bit in my absense. I can now at least make compromises with them, and they seem to listen better too. I've been feeling a huge need to spend quality time with the few people I actually feel close to online. I guess it's partially due to the Heather/Micah problems, and partially due to the fact that I just feel sorta insecure in general, because it's like... I'm done with school, and I'm supposed to know what to do with my life now, and I don't. >.> But I'm happy because Angel and Flamer have both been awesome, and Shawn's even popped up in my life again sorta (though he needs to come around more, dangit ;_;). I'm going to join an RP that sounds quite promising (and fun) with Angel and Flamer too, so I'm looking forward to that~ I've always wanted to do one of those damn things. :D Micah got mad when I told him I was going to be in one. >.> He mostly got mad because I didn't invite him, but meh, I really don't want him there. :x He said for years how we were gonna RP together, and wooyeah... we got far. >_> Anywho... Angel, Fwamie, anyone else who I spend time with... don't mind me if I appear a bit "tag-along-y" lately. >.> |
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| Sunday, June 26th, 2005 |
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I stole this from Nitty, lolz. I love doing random google image searches, they're just fun. xD Google image search the following: 1. The age you will be on your next birthday. 2. The place you live. 3. Your favorite color. 4. The place you want to get married. 5. Your first love. 6. Your favorite fruit or vegetable. 7. Your favorite animal. 8. The last name of your favorite actor or actress. 9. The name of a pet. 10. Your favorite song. 11. A bad habit of yours. 12. Your middle name. 1. The age you will be on your next birthday. 23 http://www.counterpop.net/~meredith/l This just looked so... DUH DUH DUH DUH... scawwy. >.> Man, I'm starting to feel old. 2. 2. The place you live. Davis, California http://www.wuk.at/hochrad/berichte/davi This is so soooo Davis it's not even funny. xD 3. Your favorite color. Forest green http://www.akarmarble.com/forest%20gree Woo. 4. The place you want to get married. Somewhere pretty http://www.wcnews.com/newershots/full/c xD This just made me crack up... no idea how I got that, but I love it. And I really dunno where I want to get married... so I thought "somewhere pretty" worked. 5. Your first love. William http://www.newforestpony.com/forest/pic Oh, william william william... I feel in love with a horse! Errr not really, his pic's not anywhere according to google when I tried his last name, which is probably a good thing. >.> 6. Your favorite fruit or vegetable. Strawberry http://normalflora.org/strawberry_frien xD 7. Your favorite animal. Black panther http://www.worldstart.com/wallpaper :3 8. The last name of your favorite actor or actress. McGregor http://images.amazon.com/images/P/B0000 Ooh Moulin Rouge :o Okay, so I really don't have a favorite actor/actress, but I really did like him in Moulin Rouge and as Obi-wan. I tend to like, not really care about who plays what character in movies, I just enjoy them. >.> 9. The name of a pet. Katy http://penso.info/oldsite/webcam/katy-s Hahaha. xD That's lovely. Some other fun finds for this one: http://www.users.qwest.net/~hegoin/p http://www.northgateplc.com/download/ph 10. Your favorite song. Wonderwall http://homepages.rtlnet.de/radecker0206 Dunno, but the girl on the right is kinda hot. >.> This is the Oasis song, btw. It was honestly one of the first songs I heard over the radio that I just, LOVED. I had to go out and buy the album and such when it came out, and to this day, it just... I dunno, moves me somehow. Although I'm really not a fan of Oasis anymore. 11. A bad habit of yours. Thinking everyone judges me badly http://ourworld.compuserve.com/homepage zomg, I have no idea where this comes from. xD The website it comes from just made a cowbell noise at me too, it's something to do with cows. >.> <3 google 12. Your middle name. Lynne http://cosmictribune.org/zzcutiecarriel o.o;; Well, that was fun. *cough* *still trying to get over the last one* In other news, I haven't heard from Viz yet. :( I'm going to contact them Monday, but at this point I'm pretty sure I didn't get the job. It's been more than a week. But I guess I'll be okay. At least I tried. My dad was having nucleur heart attacks over the thought of me not coming home anyways... not that I'm really looking forward to spending time with him again. >_>;; Oh well. |
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| Monday, June 13th, 2005 |
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So, after I wrote yesterday's journal entry I felt kind of brave and went searching on a couple of my old bookmarks I had saved. I found something that... I need some opinions on. It's a job opening that really interests me. And yes, it's with Viz again. For those of you that know, Viz is the same place that turned me down for that editing internship I tried to get a year ago. The place is in San Francisco, fairly close to where I am, and it's one of the two leading manga publishers in America. About the job: the position's Copy Reader, which is basically a proofreader in a sense... basically the people that make sure typos and shit don't get published. They also do the final check on things, making sure there are no consistancy errors in writing or even design... basically no errors period. I'm guessing the position would both cover their manga and their couple of magazines they put out. It's paid of course, I dunno how much though, and I'm not certain on whether it's full time or not, but hopefully it would be or close to it. As for qualifications, they want a bachelor's degree in english/journalism and familiarity with the Chicago manual of style, and 3+ years experience in copy reading. Now, as to why I'm unsure whether to dive right into this or not: -What happened a year ago: what happened should hopefully have nothing to do me trying to get this job, but I'm afraid, of course. It wasn't as if they turned me down cruely, in fact the lady I was corresponding with encouraged me to keep an eye on the company... but, in the past year, I guess I became afraid that I didn't get the internship because I mentioned that I was a fansubber. Many people have told me that choosing to mention that was a mistake on my part, and I mostly agree with that statement, except that I really don't know for sure what effect it had on my getting that internship. :/ I guess I should assume that it didn't have an effect, and simply try my best to avoid mentioning it this time. But should I even tell them I applied for that internship? Will they remember me? That's what I'm not sure on. -My experience: The main reason WHY I mentioned fansubbing last year was because that I honestly DO have a shitload of manga/anime editing and copy reading experience. It's what I freaking do... we try our best to put out professional-quality material, (well, currently, it did take some time to get there) and honestly, I've learned so much doing it all. I admit I still typo a ton in my own writing, but I've really come a long way in being able to do this stuff and fix it in other people's works. I have the Chicago manual of style book, which is basically the current American guidelines for editing/proofreading/publishing that most publishing companies choose to follow. I just bought it recently... it's like huge, and most of it I already know surprisingly enough. o.o But yeah. Take away fansubbing and what have I got to put on my resume? ...Not a whole lot. :/ I did one editing volunteer job on this lame UC Davis guidebook that was published, yet I never even got my name credited to being the editor because they somehow forgot it was me who did the work (yeah, go me, that's the sort of luck I have -_-;;). And sure, I'd put that on my resume anywho... but guh, I don't feel right placing the guy who forgot I did work on the book as a referance, know what I mean? o.O So should I somehow put down my experience with fansubbing, but just... not use the word fansubbing? >_>;; I really dunno. Other than what I mentioned, my only other appliable experience is when I worked as layout designer for my university newspaper... and that's... not really that appliable either. >_>;; Sure, the job description mentions design, so that's a minor plus... but gah. I'll have the bachelor's degree soon, does that count? :( And... yeah. That's why I'm so unsure. :/ It pisses me off that every job I look into seems to want 3+ years experience in the field. How the hell am I supposed to get experience if every place that's hiring requires experience? I talked to my dad about this... one of the few things I felt I could consult him on... and he said that sometimes when companies put that in job ads, they aren't necessarily needing someone with a shitload of experience... just that they'd rather have someone with some. He reccomended that I try and apply to these places anyways, and hope for a "lucky break" so to speak. And I guess he's right... although it doesn't sound very hopeful. I ain't lucky. :( Right now... I feel like my chances are pretty slim on getting this... it really depends on how I word stuff and say stuff I guess, and what they're looking for exactly... I know I COULD do the job... it would be so fucking awesome, honestly... but can I get past the interview? And... part of me feels I really owe it to myself to apply, take my risks, try and make up for really horrible year I've had since what happened a year ago. So is it worth it? I'd have to pay $40 for the train ticket to get to the interview if I get that far in the process, which is a cost... plus the general stress of everything, having to come up with some sort of cover letter and reworked resume in the next couple of days. But there's this longing in me to take the risk... Do you guys think it's worth it? And what the %#@*&! fuck do I do with fansubbing, if I choose to go for it? Heeeeelp. xD;; |
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| Sunday, June 12th, 2005 |
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Because it's better than studying for my final tomorrow~ Go me? :D First, stuff:
What lowers your stress/blood pressure/anxiety level? Make a list, post it to your journal... and then tag 5 friends and ask them to post it to theirs. 1. Listening to music that lets me move away from whatever's stressing me out 2. Ooh killing stuff :o *leaves* 3. Writing something (er, for my pleasure... poetry/story) 4. Being out in nature/wandering around in some natural enviroment, away from people 5. Talking to the few people who I can be honest to and who I feel care enough about me to let me complain I order these people to do the same: 1. keine 2. Jinxy 3. Nitty 4. Booshie 5. Angel Right, so I got couples there and that's it. xD BASICALLY ALL OF YOU MH PEOPLE WILL DO IT, YES! Anywho... Classes are over for me for good, my finals are Monday and Wednesday. After that, I'm outta here. I still have like a week here to mosey around to packing and shit before my dad comes and picks me up. I've been kinda rollercoastery when it comes to emotions lately, which is why I haven't really updated. Some days things just get to me, like the fact that I'm extremly worried about what'll happen when I move back down to my mom's for a number of reasons (having to do with my ability to find a job or lack of one and how I'll get along with my mom, dad, and Heather, mostly). And some days I'm alright, but just ignoring the fact that I'm worried still. I know I shouldn't worry, but I just feel so helpless I guess. I need some confidence to be able to succeed at finding a job, and I don't have any. :/ What little I had seems to have gone poof thanks to Micah's selfishness, Heather's selfishness, the fact that my father never seems to have anything good to say about me, and my job at the Aggie I lost, those writing classes that overly-frustrated me about my writing skills, as well as the kick ass internship I failed to get. I've wasted a year trying to get over the last 3 things... and I guess I'm personally over them, but my confidence is still shaken for some reason. Even aside from that, I'm starting to really get frustrated with both Heather and Micah... both of the ONLY non-family people that still care for me and are part of my physical life are starting to annoy the fuck out of me, and that's just depressing. :/ Micah isn't working (still) and is so currently obsesed with star wars that he doesn't bother trying to figure out why he isn't working or why I don't want much to do with him anymore, and Heather is busy making me feel guilty because I don't want to play once-a-week marriage counselour for and her boyfriend when they break up/get back together weekly (I really dislike the boyfriend anyways), meanwhile making all these plans for us when I get back because apparently I'm all she's got good friend-wise and she misses me like crazy. Is it bad of me to want to say "fuck off" to her when she asks what I'm doing over AIM for the 7th time that night because she's bored and I'm annoyed at her continiously asking when I haven't even changed what I've been doing? >_> Sigh. I hate being angsty. :( I'm sorry. That's all that's really new with me though. :/ It's like, I've finally come to the point where I can say "alright, I'm tired of you people" instead of just saying "meh... I dunno..." and I can't bring myself to ditch them. :( I keep hoping Heather might be different whne I actually get down there and see her... maybe, who knows. :/ And I wonder if anyone can send me some confidence through the mail... hrm... would be nice. ;_; *chooses mood* Oooh, buggy hamster eyes~ As far as RO goes... hrm, I guess things are fine. There's a lot of drama and shit, minor annoyances, yadda yadda, but they don't last long (not that they should, it being a game and all). For some dumb reason I'm able to work toward fixing what annoys me in the game, same with online... just... not in my physical life... I guess there's no way to go off and FA Micah to death when he pisses me off... Some people just never change. :( |
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| Wednesday, March 16th, 2005 |
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Found at: http://www.colorquiz.com/ Your Existing Situation Needs, and insists on having, a close and understanding relationship, or at least some method of satisfying a compulsion to feel identified. Your Stress Sources Eager to make a good impression, but worried and doubtful about the likelihood of succeeding. Feels that she has a right to anything she might hope for, and becomes helpless and distressed when circumstances go against her. Finds the mere possibility of failure most upsetting and this can even lead to nervous prostration. Sees herself as a 'victim' who has been misled and abused, mistakes this dramatization for reality and tries to convince herself that her failure to achieve standing and recognition is the fault of others. Your Restrained Characteristics Willing to become emotionally involved and able to achieve satisfaction through sexual activity, but tries to avoid conflict Your Desired Objective Needs a peaceful environment. Wants release from stress, and freedom from conflicts or disagreement. Takes pains to control the situation and its problems by proceeding cautiously. Has sensitivity of feeling and a fine eye for detail. Your Actual Problem Disappointment at the non-fulfillment of her hopes and the fear that to formulate fresh goals will only lead to further setbacks have resulted in considerable anxiety. She is trying to escape from this into a peaceful and harmonious relationship, protecting her from dissatisfaction and lack of appreciation. Your Actual Problem #2 Depleted vitality has created an intolerance for any further stimulation, or demands on her resources. A feeling of powerlessness subjects her to agitation and acute distress. Tries to escape from this by relinquishing the struggle, and by finding peaceful and restful conditions in which to recuperate in an atmosphere of affection and security. Interesting results... parts of I really agree with (like the need for close and understanding relationship, the "actual problem" part, and probably the "stress sources" part too) and parts of it I don't agree with (like the victim thing, and blaming others). But an interesting quiz regardless. And it mentioned hawt sex0rz! Go me! >_> Mm, other than that... I just finished the two last papers I had due. I procrastinated them like crazy (I mean really bad... the paper that was due today at 3 pm I didn't even really start until 1 pm, and didn't hand it in until the last moment of class when I had to zoom around campus trying to find the professor who just happened to let class out early >.>), but eh, at least they're done now. I got a B- on the first one, which I'm fine with. I didn't even proofread the damn thing, that's how badly-organized I've been on these. As long as I can graduate, I'm cool. I think things are sorta beginning to look up again, although there's still a lot floating around in my brain, especially when I leave the computer. I've been thinking a lot about Micah and I's relationship again, and its continual downhill plunge. I used to always have faith in him and in his ability to eventually find a job, but I dont know, that faith is just slipping rather quickly finally, which really isn't surprising considering the amount of dissapointments he's put me through. :/ I've been here 3 years now, and he's yet to even hold a decent job during that time... let alone save money for us to get a place together in Seattle, which was the original plan made 3 years ago. Blah, I don't really want to write about it too much, but yeah, thinking thinking. x_x Well, I'm sleepy, can't think of what to write anymore... and now that I'm thinking about Micah and my frustrations again I need to blow away some mvps or something. >.> |
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| Tuesday, March 8th, 2005 |
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Times are still weird admittedly, but I'm going to try to update. I'm still going back and forth to feeling content about things to being horribly depressed day-to-day. I'm still trying to figure out what exactly makes me content and trying to focus on those things in order to keep moving ahead in my life, because I know I need to do so to at least graduate here. So far I've figured out that I need friends to help me get through this, which well, is common sense I guess, but since I don't have any IRL I'm forced to try to depend on friends online, which is... sometimes hard, given peoples' schedules. :/ Micah just... isn't making things very easy for me right now, which makes it even harder. Sometimes he's like a great friend to me, and I can whine to him when I have a bad day and such and laugh with him when I'm in a good mood, but other times he's just very demanding and I'm thankful when he signs off. I've still been glued to RO (although more moderated time-wise now, thankfully), and he hasn't been playing at all, yet he gives me a hard time when I play, which makes me sort of stressed at times. I mean, I play the game to relax, geez. Just because he doesn't seem to want to play anymore doesn't mean I have to stop, and nor will I. But anyway, back to the friends issue, most of the people I feel I can depend on for good times are the ones in RO, which like I said, sometimes goes well, sometimes doesn't. When I'm able to spend time with them I notice that I feel good, but when they're all busy or whatever I notice I start getting really depressed again, which is kinda an obvious sign that I need some solid friendships. I hate sounding really needy to them about this kind of stuff, although I'm not really sure why. I mean, I shouldn't feel ashamed to go up to one of them and say "hey, I need a friend, I'm gonna hang with you" but I do somehow, so I usually don't do that. Flamer and I have slowly been getting closer though, which is working out well. Before he started back at uni, him and I shared the same nocturnal hours, so we'd spend lots of time together in RO, which I very much enjoyed. We don't always talk a lot, because it seems like we're both kind of quiet/afraid to start conversations, but I think we both enjoy each other's company, and that's what counts. When I needed company, I'd seek him out, and I'd feel better. Sort of just like what RL friends are supposed to be for, but sadly I don't have that option right now, so yeah... Flamer actually being around and willing to keep me company means so much to me right now. He doesn't have that much time right now, being back in school, but that's okay. I look forward to what time we do have. It's like the highlight of my day I swear, I'm so pathetic I know. ;_; *hides from Fwamie* I sometimes wish I could have made some more friends here in Davis, but it seems so silly do so now, considering I'll be going back home in a couple months. What friends I did have have left already, and when they left I was kinda hurt by it... so I dunno. I just don't feel like bothering. As long as I have friends somewhere I'm alright. Other than that... I'm kind of worried about my Shakespeare class. I just want to pass the damn class... I really hope I can... *sigh* I'm going to try and find movies of the plays we're reading, because I don't even have the right freaking books for the last 2 plays we did. -_- Leave it to me to buy the wrong books at the bookstore, yet not notice that until about, oh, 2 days ago, when finals start next week. >.> I know I'll do fine in my film class, which is awesome. I'm really enjoying my film class, as I do all my film classes. It's too bad I didn't think to minor in film studies... that might atually provide some additional sources for employment when I'm done here. Oh well. With my degree I'd still probably be able to do anything I'd want to do with that minor anyways, like write reviews and such. I probably could write an awesome film review if I tried. Speaking of which, I still have been unable to write anything creative... bleh... -_- I do realize I need a break from that though, as much as I hate to admit to needing one. I was getting WAY too stressed out about those classes and the critiques I was getting, taking them far too personally. I need to get my pride back, and know my shit is worthwhile to me. I was starting to write for other people rather than myself at the end there, and that's... not good. I've pretty much given up on graphic work for now too, which sort of worries me. With graphic work, I need to practice it in order to keep my skills... it doesn't come as natural to me as writing does. Vox wants me to work on the S-O site layout, and honestly I'm not even sure I can do a decent job with it now... I may ask Shawn to help me with that, not sure yet. I guess it's good I'm starting to realize and think about these things, though. Admitting things I need and need a break from instead of just procrastinating. Oh well. I guess I'll see if I can get some sleep here, or something... yeah. >_> *chooses a mood with groggy bubbles above hammy's head, because there's groggy bubbles above mine, I swear* |
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| Wednesday, February 23rd, 2005 |
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Alright, I should be sleeping here, but I just felt compelled to check peoples' journals and yadda yadda, that leads to me updating mine and so on and so forth. >_> People had these interesting quizzy thingies on theirs, so I thought I'd post it as well (answer these questions about meh~): 1. Give me a nickname and explain why you picked it. 2. Are we friends? Why? 3. How long have you known me? 4. When and how did we first meet? 5. What was your first impression? 6. Do you still think that way about me now? 7. What do you think my weakness is? 8. Do you think I'll get married? 9. What makes me happy? 10. What makes me sad? 11. What reminds you of me and why? 12. If you could give me anything what would it be? 13. How well do you know me? 14. When's the last time you spoke to me? 15. Ever wanted to tell me something but couldn't? 16. Do you think I could kill someone? 17. Describe me in one word. 18. Do you think our friendship is getting stronger/weaker/or staying the same? 19. Do you feel that you could talk to me about anything and I would listen? 20. Would you ever want to kiss me? 21. Would you ever want to live with me? 22. <3 <3? I used a combination of the two versions I saw. xD And that's the main reason I wanted to update, really. >_> There have been many other times where I'd wanted to update during these past weeks, but I just couldn't for some reason. Maybe because my thought process is so jumbled right now. One day I feel like I'm doing better, and the next day just blah, sucks. Then the simplest of things will happen and I'll feel better suddenly. I've been trying to figure out the root of the mood swings, what triggers them exactly, and I think I'm beginning to figure out what that root is... but I dunno for sure. In other news I'm finally starting to really accomplish some goals in RO, which I'm happy about. I know it seems stupid, but *shrugs*, what can I say? >_> I take my goals where I can. xD Well, I need to get to bed here. To those of you who have the quiz thingy in your journals, I'll reply to them tomorrow. ;) |
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| Wednesday, February 2nd, 2005 |
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And I have random quizzes! I am teh hawt. :3  What Animal Personality Are You? brought to you by Quizilla :3
Seems pretty accurate... here lately I always seem to get the "Investigator" on these types of tests. Something about being a great engineer or something shit. ;_; I seem to have almost more realism than idealism these days, and I used to be a pretty heavy idealist too. Oh well. o.o
Hrm. I guess. There's only a few things I'm really strongly pro-choice about, but I guess most of my other ideals are libertarian. I still would rather stay away from politics though. o_O  You are not really girly. You're a bit of a tomboy, actually. You don't have many girly habits and don't care what others think. You have a casual style (not that you care about style, really) and think of boys as merely the other half of the population. You know, though, it wouldn't kill you to look nice once in awhile, and boys really don't have cooties. Well, mostly. A quiz for girls: How girly are you? brought to you by Quizilla >_> COOTIES~ OH NOES~~~~~~ *ahem* In other news I took this one quiz that told me I was a guy because I like computers and don't blab on the phone. o.o It doesn't have a nifty html-copy-thingy, so I'm not posting it. Um... other than that... I guess I'll be serious for a bit now. That horny thing was really some silly thing my friends from tRO and I were doing. >.> We all posted that together in our LJs. I have no idea why. I just came home and saw them babbling about posting "I'M HORNY" in LJs. So I followed suit. ;) I'm... well... I hate to say this knowing my recent moods... but I think I'm actually doing pretty decent today. I had a pretty good day. Yesterday went well too. Although both days were busy... that might be key in itself. P art of the reason for the attitude change is that I'm back working on Naruto again, my baby~ I was trying to forget about my history with Naruto because it seemed that I wouldn't be able to work on it, but I finally got caught up to where we left off subbing the other night, and damn, did I start missing working on it... It was just really depressing to me to watch these episodes that I missed out on, and frankly, boy, did I have a hard time following some parts of the editing. A couple episodes had more typos than the first couple S-O releases did, and well, that's saying a lot considering those first couple releases of ours didn't have any quality checking done on them. I started remembering all that we went through those first couple months, all the work and time the 4-5 of us put into our little releases, and how proud we felt of the damn things. As much as parts of the whole business frustrated me after a while once we became bigger and brought in more people, Naruto was still... my baby, y'know? Mine and Emma's, hehe. So, I kind of told this all to vox, Emma, and jilkon (the main players in our original group) and they all agreed that I should be able to work on it again. They admitted that the current editor didn't really do a through as a job as I did, and after some talk I ended up helping edit Naruto 115 yesterday. I need to finish up QCing it before bed too, damn distractions. >.> But yeah, it was really satisfying being busy with that yesterday. I still don't know what the hell it is about that show that gets to me, but something just does. There's this raw, emotional, simplicity within the characters' speech and nature that somehow speaks to me, something like how trance music does. I think it was Bryn that described Naruto as a guilty pleasure, lol, which seems to somehow fit. There's something about all these teenagers trying so damn hard to achieve their dreams that just... is inspiring somehow. Anywho. I'm glad to be working on it again. :) I think another reason why I seem to be feeling better is that I think I finally figured out another key in the healing process. The key is - healing just doesn't come from one source. I think I depended on RO to totally heal me over these last couple of months, simply because I was having a good time playing, and socializing in the only matter in which I can (online). But, see, I got so caught up in the game that I forgot that I needed time to myself as well, time to think and... time to feel. As apathetic and ingrained in the realistic as I've been during these past months, I should have realized that I needed time to mull over my woes and worries, as well as time to get my mind off of them, but I didn't quite realize I needed both. With all of this RO downtime I was forced to seek out other sources of self-gratification and self-pride (fansubbing), and also forced to, well, think. I suddenly had time on my hands again, where I couldn't escape right into RO. Damn game, lol. I knew it was good for me, and it was - still will be I'm sure, but as the old saying goes, "you can have too much of a good thing". I spent a good part of the evening during my break between classes on campus today, roaming the naturey type areas that seem to be all over Davis, listening to Shawn's music which was the only music I had time to throw on my new MP3 player this morning (yay for Christmas money left over :D), and yeah, it felt good - healing somehow. I'm not sure I came to any grand conclusions during my thought wanderings, but I don't think that's really the purpose in mulling sessions to begin with. All I know is that somehthing's keeping my attitude up a tad bit. I can just hope that this continues, that I can keep my spirits up moving from day to day. I'm still looking forward to tRO going back up, lol, and don't plan on quitting (although I may get a few "you should quit!" comments in here >.>), but I think I need to remember to take breaks now and then from the game from now on. I need some time for other things as well. |
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| Tuesday, February 1st, 2005 |
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I FEEL HONRY, ER, HORNY, ER, BOTH?! >_> <_< That's all. |
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| Monday, January 24th, 2005 |
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I'm sleepy... and it's been ages since I updated again. Yay... I'm still sorta going through a weird time emotionally, having a hard time sleeping and getting my butt to class as well, which sucks, but I'm trying to deal with it the best I can and still graduate this year. I haven't written anything in a long time... I really feel the need to, I just can't seem to get myself to do so. The frustration from last quarter's workshops sinks in and somehow makes me feel like I'll never be able to write anything halfway decent, but that's just stupid self-esteem issues again. Those have been following me like my own shadow, I swear, which is mostly the cause for all this angst I'm feeling otherwise. I need something to feel good about. Trying to find that somehting it kinda hard, though. I edited an episode of some show S-O is now subbing the other day. It was the first time I've even made an effort to do some fansubbing wise in a couple months, so it felt very awkward to say the least. Not so much the process itself (which took a long time unsurprisingly), but the way in which I dealt with people about the work I did. I was like, almost afraid of the translator, when I approached her about some questions I had, which seems really silly, considering how proud of my work I used to be. I'm not really sure if it was because she was someone I didn't really know (Kidd's still translating, just doing Naruto), or if it's my attitude in general. Probably a mixture of both. For one thing I'm sort of upset because it seems that even if I wanted to, I wouldn't be able to edit Naruto now. This other dude's doing it now, and when approached about it, he seemed a little rude, IMO, stating that he was THE definite editor. I'm sure he realized who I was, although I really don't remember him at all. So, yeah. Unless I really put up a fight, I don't think I'll be doing Naruto, which is too bad really, because this show I'm editing now just... I'm not sure I like it a whole lot. It's called Peach Girl, and when I was initially told it was a romance/comedy I jumped at it, but after watching it... o.o It's so damn angsty. It brings back all these icky memories of high school. I mean, sure, I'm still angsty, but whew, even I have my limits. o_O So I'm not sure how that's going to work out. We haven't released the episode I edited yet, and honestly I'm not sure how I feel about it, I may not be until it is released. I'd love to go back to doing Naruto, I think, but I'm not sure if I can deal with the stress of having to deal with the replacement editor, as well as the stress in general of working on that show again. We'll see. I want to get back into fansubbing, because I realize that that was a major source of the pride I used to have that I can't get back for nothing these days, but gaining the pride to even do the work and make it decent again... that'll be a challenge. I've still been stuck in RO like glue. It's the only thing that really seems to make me happy anymore. Especially now, admittedly, since I moved over to another server, where I know a lot of the folks from back in my FFL/Acmlm days. I'm meeting new people too, and even introduced Micah to them. The actual server we've been playing on is down right now, but we've been farting around with Bouche's test server in the meantime. It's fun. I have this like, uber Sniper build now, one I can't wait to get to on the main server, although it'll take some time, given the money I'll need for the equips. The one thing that keeps me glued to RO are the people, it seems. I left my old server (MobRO) because the people I knew there left, and frankly I was getting sooo tired of the endless competition there (I felt like my poor hunter was such a piece of shit, because of how other people were, and that really got to my poor ego after a while), but on this server I'm much happier. People are a lot more repsectful and even complimentary towards me and my characters, which is a warm welcome. I'm not used to random conversation while leveling, nor actual compliments from random people, but that's what I actually needed I think. It's too bad some of the people I know want to leave it now, just when I'm really getting into it. Hopefully it'll be okay, though. I'm trying to drag Shawn over too, that should help a lot. It's weird though, the sources of pride that I'm trying to dig up here, to get myself out of this... I realize I need to start feeling better about myself, otherwise I won't ever be happy, so I'm just reaching where I can right now... Fansubbing and RO... gotta love it. One wouldn't think there'd be any chance of realistic achievements in either one, but eh... you've gotta take what you can get in this world... Anyways, I'm out I guess. |
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| Friday, November 5th, 2004 |
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I guess I'm alive. And back, so to speak. Even though I'm on dialup right now, and probably will be until I can afford a better connection for my room. -_- Although I'm not sure there's anyone out there still reading this thing, heh. Leave a comment if you do read this, please. I'm actually curious. I want to start using this again. Micah's back in Seattle again. We couldn't get a place of our own because he couldn't get a job (the one he had he lost within 3 days) and basically he got kicked out of my dinky place. So, he had to leave. I'm still trying to figure out exactly where my feelings are now toward him, but I will say two things: 1) I miss him, and 2) I'm so tired of him being unresponsible I could strangle him. During the time we were together we did do a lot of talking though, and we were both more honest with each other than we've been in years. He finally got down to the root of his inability to get/hold a job, and that is that he's afraid of failing. He does realize that by not trying to get a job he's INDEED failing, but eh, the mind works in stupid ways sometimes. I do understand that, more than most probably, and I also realize that now that he knows what the problem is, maybe he can go about solving it. But we shall see. In the meantime at least I don't have to take care of him like I was. I have to admit I'm grateful for some time to myself as well. I need the space. >_> I lost my job this quarter. I'm still rather upset about it, too. I was all set to work this quarter, so I email my "boss" the days I'd like to work, and he replied saying I'm fired. It was one hell of a shock. Apparently I sucked at what I did. He felt I was the "weakest link" so to speak, and that I wasn't showing improvement on what I sucked at. What bothered me wasn't that, but the fact that he never once told me I needed to improve. I thought I was doing fine. How am I supposed to know to improve if I don't know what I'm doing wrong? Meh. I've yet to really look for another job. I need to get over the loss of this one first I guess. :/ All-in-all things are sort of weird right now for me. I'm failing one of the classes I have this quarter too, simply because I can't seem to go to class or give a shit about the reading (Shakespeare class- I'm NOT a Shakespeare fan in the least, but it's required). I purposely missed the midterm and am not attending class at all right now. I'm trying to get the professor to give me a no credit thingy for the course, so I can easily retake it. It's really unlike me, I realize, to give up on something so easily, and just accept the loss, and retake the class. I've never had to retake a course. But... what can I say. I guess I'm going through a depression. It probably sounds stupid that I am, given that there aren't even many reasons for me to be going through one... but... I dunno. Everything with the internship, Micah, not being able to see my family at all this summer, the job, my lonliness, my own insecurities and frustrations over just about everything these days (including fansubbing--being on dialup sucks for that, makes me unable to help whatsoever, not like I'm needed though) just seemed to all add up quite badly and finally peaked, then plummeted. I'm trying not to chew myself up over the class issue. When I get like this I know there's only solution... somehow, somewhere, something has to be about me. I have to either do something for myself, or be blessed by those near me who offer to help me. I can only give so much, and I'm at the point where I need to get something back in return. I'm trying the best I can to give myself something, and that just so happens to be Ragnarok Online right now. Micah and I started playing it when he was here, and we've both been pretty obsessed with it since. It's fun. A bunch of our other online friends play it too. Shawn as well, and well... yeah. No words needed there, heh. Although he hasn't been in-game for a couple days now. ;_; Worries me~ But okay, back to where I was... um.... It's a good escape, and right now I so need that escape. It's the only thing I can give myself, y'know? So... yeah. I know I'll be able to graduate still. I just... need to get over this tough spot in my life right now. Bit by bit I will--The one way I know how. So um... yeah. Give me a head's up if you read this, even if you reply annynomously. |
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| Friday, July 2nd, 2004 |
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I didn't get the internship. I could plague this entry with a bunch of "not that I expected to get it...", "not that I was good enough to get it...", or even "not that I care anyways..." but I won't. That'd be bullshit. I just... wanted this... so much... I tried not to be hopeful... but... Micah will be here in less than 12 hours. To live with me. To start this "new life" together... christ... I'm scared. Why the fuck did I rush into this? WHY?! The hope of being able to get this kick ass career just made me feel the rush, feel the need to move on in my life, get something I actually WANT... I can't go back now... I'm not sure when I'll update next. Maybe not at all. God, give me strength. It's funny about that too... I actually prayed to God about this. For like the 4th time in my life, I prayed. I remember all those times as well... and each time I prayed... my prayers have been answered to some extent. I've never prayed about myself before though, heh... I guess that's what I get. Sorry. I guess that's all I can say. |
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| Monday, June 28th, 2004 |
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I'm kinda striken with the ol' "gotta keep busy" plague that one gets when they're waiting to hear on a life-altering yes or no regarding things like oh, job/internship applications, so I figured I'd update. Yeah, I applied for the internship. Actually I'm not sure if I applied when I had written this last time or not... lol, oh well. :P I had an interview last Thursday already. Thinngs really moved fast on it, lol, which took me by surprise at first, but I realized it's for the better really. I'm ready for the rest of my life to begin so to speak. :) The interview went... interesting. It went bad in a couple ways, I feel, because of my normal problem with speaking to people... I was hoping I'd be a bit more vocal about things, but I wasn't of course. I didn't have a major stuttering problem though, which is good I guess. I said what I needed to say, tried my best to be polite and all that. It was kind of hard because there were 5 people interviewing me at once. o.o All the different department head editors were there, magazine, graphic novel, monthly manga magazine, etc. It was kinda weird, and intimidating, but even considering that... I think I did okay. Certainly better than I could have done. But, I'm still worried. I guess they interveiwed a total of 3 people. That doesn't sound bad, I realize, but... you know me. :) It still worries me. In a couple ways I think I did good though... for one thing, they also had the design department head there, and I'm not sure if she was there for the other applicants' interviews, but she seemed to really be interested in my resume, because of the fact that I have workplace design experience, with the exact program they use apparently - Quark. She was asking me all these questions about my newsroom experience and seemed more than happy that she may have an intern that can help her out with design, lol. And I somehow doubt the other 2 applicants have the same experience as I do as far as that goes. So... that seems good. And the main editor guy seemed excited about my fansub experience. He was asking me questions about what I do, how our group does things, how we deal with deadlines, disagreements, etc. And I sorta doubt the other applicants have had experience with anything like that either... but hey... who knows what experience they have had... maybe they know Japanese or something, lol. Either way I'm not really sure what to think. They seemed really nice and seemed to like me... but at the same time they seemed to think me a bit... quiet I think. :/ I sent it some writing samples they requested. And I'm supposed to hear back from them within a week. So in the next couple of days I should hear, hopefully. Sigh. I so want to work there though... the workplace is just... freakin' awesome. It's soo casual, everyone just going around barefoot and in jeans and stuff... wall-to-wall stacks of anime DVDs and manga... toys all over the place... a darkroom with a bigscreen tv just for watching anime/playing video games... I mean... fuck... :D And I'd only have to go twice a week, which means I could commute... and the train ride's so easy... and... Sigh. I know. -_- This is why I've needed to keep myself busy, lol. I've never wanted something so bad before. All my worryings about creative writing classes and Aggie jobs... those are nothing in comparison to this. I go to Narutofan (a Naruto website) and see a news item talking about Naruto manga, which is of course by Viz, and immediately I get all happy and bouncy about the idea of me being a part of the company... they even told me I could do some actual writing. :D ... lol. I should just shut up. :) Anyhow, Micah and I are planning to move in together because of this, and other things. Sounds like a huge step I know, but... that's the point. I want my life to start. Here we find out the truth. If we're meant to be or not... if he can be mature or not... woot. All-in-all I'm pretty positive about it. I guess I just needed doors to open before I was ready to take a step forward in my life. THe door's opened. Now... will it slam in my face? lol... To infinity... and beyond... hopefully. :) |
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| Saturday, June 19th, 2004 |
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The banquet last week went alright I guess... There's nothing too special about to say, really. I still can't help but wish Rowe and I had gotten closer through the year I knew her... it was sad seeing her go, but you know, I couldn't ask for more than the friendly "hi, bye, was nice knowing you" hug that I got as well as everyone else got and a request for her to read my story and email me back. So I didn't. And she left. I wish at was better at making friends sometimes... I really seem to be getting worse at it, which is pretty sad, considering I was crappy at it to begin with. It's just so cozy online... even if things aren't always perfect. Emma, Nick, Riley, everyone... you know they care about who I am, not about the latest hairstyles or shoes, or drinking games. I don't have anything in common with most people I know. I had stuff in common with Rowe... but, I dunno. -_- I'm just so socially horrible, and getting worse I believe. I've developed a stutter too, it seems, which I never used to have. :/ I don't know where the hell that came from, honestly. Oh well. -_- Finals are now over, which I'm glad about. I found out for sure I can graduate next quarter too. And also... there's another development in my life. It started like a week or two ago, when a couple of us were gripping about how American manga companies ruin manga. How they always think manga is for 10 year olds, and edit everything down a ton. This is true for anime too, of course, but we were talking about the Naruto manga specifically. I said something half jokingly about "you know, I should become an editor for Viz (the company that puts out Naruto) and show them a thing or two". And then I stopped for a minute, and thought. "Why don't I?" That brought me to do some research online, and I found out that Viz is indeed in California. In San Francisco, which is like 2 hours from here. I then saw that they had a webpage where they announced open positions, and bookmarked it. 3 days later, I happened to check the page again our of boredom. I always always curious how often they updated their main site. It was then I saw they had added a new job listing - Editorial Internship. Now, an internship's the bottom of the bottom - I know this. Most don't offer any pay whatsoever, and neither does this one. But it *does* provide a door to getting a real editor position in a company where I would get paid well and get good benefits. And I'd get to do something I enjoy. And I'd get to do something I think I'm good at. The position isn't even about editing really, just the little crummy jobs that go along with it, correspondances, answering fan mail, junk like that. But it does say assistating editors. So maybe... I dunno. Anyways, right away when I saw that I got all excited, and decided I owed it to myself to apply. It was like 5 am by this time, so I went to bed and told myself I'd update my resume, write a cover letter, and send them off when I woke up. When I woke up I suddenly realized that if I did get this internship, things would really change in my life. I'd either be forced to go to school plus that, living here and commuting to San Fran every couple days, or living in San Fran and commuting back here every couple days, or I could take a quarter off school and find a job and apartment in San Fran. The more I started thinking about that, the more it scared me. It shouldn't have, I admit... I mean, I'm here alone, right? But I don't know. For some reason it just scared me. Maybe because San Fran is such a big city, and Davis isn't. Maybe because this is the first step moving away from doing what my parents have told me to do (going to school) and moving toward what I want to do wtih my future. Either way I spent the whole day fretting about it. I talked to Micah about it, and of course he said he'd get a job, save up money, and come down and support me. Just like he said he'd do more than a year ago. Somehow that didn't make me believe him. Eventually at like 1 am I decided to hell with it, and I updated my resume. I put in all the fansub stuff, worded nicely and "legal" of course. I then wrote the cover letter, which was... an odd experience. I've written cover letters before, and, it seems like every time I have, I was writing bullshit. Reaching for lies, reaching for reasons for them to hire me... all bullshit. With this one... it wasn't. I was honest, and I wasn't bullshitting at all. And I think it came out quite impressive if I do say myself. I finished it, and this weird feeling overwhelmed me. For the first time in my life I felt I was qualified for something. And was truly excited to have someone see my qualifications. I took that feeling to be a good sign, and still do. The fact that the person who's been responding to my emails seems to think fondly of me (she emailed me right when I sent it to her, saying she thought it looked great, lol. from what I know that's kind of rare) seems to be a good sign as well. I found out if I can academic credit for it yesterday, and I can, no problem. I'm glad about that. I have to go this odd process of having a professor represent me, but luckily the professor who's in charge of this stiff is also the same professor I had for my non-fiction class this quarter, so I know it won't be a problem. He already knows about my interests in anime, lol, and seems to really like how anime's "taking over" and would be more than happy to represent me I'm sure. I told the lady at Viz (who liked my cover letter and resume) about the OK on credit and right away got a reply that said she'd go talk to the rest of staff about it, then try to get me in for an interview next week, so I can start ASAP. I was like O_O. I honestly wasn't expecting to get this rolling so soon... lol. My summer just started. o_O I was hoping to take some time off... O_o But... it's worth it. Because, you know, something about all this... my luck with just happening to think about all this and look into it right when they offered an editorial internship... the feeling I got when writting that cover letter and feeling good about that, matched with me feeling good about my editing skills (especially this week, if I may brag a bit... we've gotten ALL good feedback this week, and quite a bit of it on ediitng quality, which I'm happy about ^_^)... I mean, that's just weird. It just came at the right time, you know? I think there's a reason for this. Not that I'm usually one to believe in fate and the like... but I guess you could say I finally feel like doors are opening up for me. This is something I CAN do... this is something I can do WELL... and this is something I really do enjoy. There's something spectacular about being able to add your own skill and creativity to a medium already so rich and spectaculat itself - anime/manga of course. In its native form it's beautiful as is, but the task of making it just as beautiful in our langaue... it's not an easy task, but it's a fullfilling one. It's not like editing a grammar book whatsoever. This is creativity here, genuine creativity at work. keeping speech in character, keeping phrases/ideas consistant... finding kick ass ways to say something in an alloted frame of time... it's like all the creativity of my stories, used in a medium that people give a shit about, used in a manner that both involves the precision of mathamatics but also the limitless creativity of anything creative. And yes, I know I know I'm babbling. I need to babble, sorry if anyone's getting annoyed reading this. ^^;; But yeah. it's worth it. A beginning, to this palce where I can be creative, I can get paid decently, I can get decent benefits, I can enjoy manga, I can try to change the way the manga industry operates here (if I'm editor you bet your ass I'm gonna fight to keep things the way I think they should be... and slowly, in time, with enough people like me... things will change :) American manga won't be edited down for the kiddies), and, maybe, just maybe... people will care. Maybe that's a problem with me and my fiction right now. No one gives a rat's ass. Maybe one day they will... but until then, I need to have a career I enjoy, and can maybe get some recognition for. It's worth it to me. So that just leaves me now to think about what to do if I do get this thing... and where I'm going to live, etc... lol. I talked to my mom about it tonight, and she thinks I'll need support to do this. support money-wise especially, plus someone to help me move if I have to, etc., etc. I know Micah wants to support me... but can he? Will he? It's something I need to really think on. But I know one thing for sure... it may be worth the risk to have him come down and help me with this. 1) if he can get his ass in gear, he either will or won't this way. no ifs, ands, or buts. 2) if he doesn't get his ass in gear, I can kick it for him, and 3) if he doesn't... I'll know where to send that ass. on the highway. And yes, I know that's blunt, but it's the truth. And the above just isn't about the job thing. It's also about us. I'll find out for sure if I can be happy with him on a permanent basis, and I'll also find out if he can pull his weight. I'm definetly losing hope on the first thing I realize... but, hell, there's gotta be a reason I was hesitating so much, causging myself all this pain... maybe I do need to give him this shot. and do something for myself as well. screw it if it's a bit selfish, and I still don;t think it is. he's the one uber eager to prove his love for me anyways. I'll ask for his support, see what happens... with the support, with us and my feelings, worse comes to worst, he gets the boot and I'll get a job in San Fran. This is, of course, if I can get through the interview. @_@ Weee~~~ I'm so afraid I'll do horrible... lol... especially now that I seem to have this really annoying stutter... :/ Sigh. Done babbling for now... I hear birds chirping. :) Sorry for the babblings, I needed to babble about that I think, hehe. ^^ Revealations... discoveries... decisions... and stuff... :) |
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| Wednesday, June 2nd, 2004 |
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Real quick, I've gotta post this... Cookie Generator by Hutta Why you ask? Well... if djabg had gotten that cookie... and I was the one giving it to him... =] That and my favorite number is indeed 9. |
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Been thinking a lot today and tonight... been maintaining a positive mood as well, which I'm glad for. I think because I'm beginning to see alternatives as positives instead of automatically negative. I'm beginning to see the strength I have, I can have... if only I can find the strength to let it show, and do what I must. So I've decided to be stubborn. I'm going to force this strength out, because I've gotta continue my life... there's life after waiting around senselessly for change that'll never occur. This summer things will change, action will be taken. And not just for my sake. Oh... and SoR's demo will be released... full soundtrack or not, character art or not. ;) Not that that has anything to do with the above. ^^ |
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| Sunday, May 30th, 2004 |
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 Your Energy is Purple. You are a visionary with unmatched intuition and spiritual consciousness. The mystical world and unexplainable forces fascinate you. There resides in you a true dignity and nobility, and others see you as a worthy leader, and loyal friend. You are often very mature, with a deep understanding of human nature, and you will instinctively encourage and guide others toward their full potential. You find it natural to express yourself aesthetically and artistically, you may be involved in the artistic professions, a religious organization, or in activities that have a degree of ceremony and ritual. You would make a good therapist, healer, psychic, or entrepreneur. What color is your energy? brought to you by Quizilla  Short sword, easier to fight infantry because of its small size and weight. Also easier to carry. (Please Vote) What sword would you use (info and pics on swords as well) brought to you by Quizilla  Alternative rock! You're the very interesting side of rock... You sometimes reach the masses, like Placebo, but mostly you're underground and stay true to your musical roots... Just keep what you're doing and churn out that good stuff! What genre of rock are you? brought to you by Quizilla Hmm. I guess I'm doing sorta better. Reading Riley's comment (sorry, didn't reply, heh, but here it is... thanks for the comment ^^) helped me remember my real goal here. Just a few months ago I was so positive, yet still realizing my goal was currently improving my writing... Everything Riley said is absolutely right, and it was what I told myself before. I knew I wasn't perfect, yet I guess I thought I was better than it seems right now. Maybe that's just doing that old "putting myself down" trick I seem so great at, I dunno. Maybe people in my class are being so overly critical because they know what I'm doing can be published. Sometimes it feels that way, yet, I dunno... my professor made a comment like "this has the potential to be something very powerful" at the very end of the workshop, when I think he noticed my "guh... wtf is wrong with my writing" look on my face. He usually doesn't give comments like that, and I've never heard him use the word powerful like he did. So... maybe... I dunno. It seems I have some of the most unique ideas in the entire class, which, I guess makes sense why there's a lot of bugs in my ideas... the reason people stick to what's already been done before is because it's easy. Maybe, in a way, I'm actually ahead of them, because I'm not sticking to what's already been done ten thousand times before. I guess I'm trying to find the positve things... lol. That's a good thing I think, right? You can tell me if I'm stepping over the edge here at all, lol. It's weird... ever since I started seriously dedicating myself to editing for S-O I've actually like... gained an ego sorta, lol. Not that it's big, as you can tell from my current frustration. But I guess I do feel better now... because of that ego. Maybe I'm not wasting my time... maybe this is really doing me a world of good, even when there's nights I don't get any sleep and there's times when I get so frustrated I cry... because for all of the trouble... I'm learning about myself... and becoming more critical of myself at the same time. And getting some pride about my skills as a writer/editor to boot... BTW, I realize I'm never on AIM, and I do apoligize for that... but with school, work, and S-O to deal with, I really, really don't have the time... on weekends I'm usually sleeping/recovering from the week, or working on dumb papers or something. Speaking of which I got 2 to start this weekend... >_> I'll be on during the summer... but for now, it's kinda unlikely I'll be on, except from time to time. But if anyone really needs to get a hold of me (just in case someone reading this doesn't know yet) you can get hold of me either by email, the DV forums, or through IRC. I don't check a lot of forums besides DV these days either. Forums: http://forum.crystal-nexus.net/ (I'm Khar) IRC: #delta-vortex on irc.dynastynet.net (I'm Kharkashi usually, or some weird nick having Khar in it >_>) Email: llhardgrave @ ucdavis . edu (get rid of spaces as necessary) |
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LiveJournal for Laura.
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contemplative.
blank.
weird.
calm.
distressed.
tired.
groggy.
content.
horny.
scared.
anxious.
hopeful.
determined.
